How everyday people can pass boys and men laws
A few ideas + focus on changing minds instead.
Last week Governor Abigail Spanberger signed into law Virginia legislation that creates the country’s first advisory commission for boys and men. This will help to understand why boys in the Commonwealth suffer the worst literacy gender gap in the country, or why male suicide rates are so high and life expectancy is so low when compared with women — and what to do about it.
The passing of this law also signals that there is potential for broad political will to take seriously male struggles — and votes.
Virginia’s new law is a big deal globally and elected officials and advocates are falling over each other to figure out how to make similar headlines in their jurisdictions. I’ve been involved with Virginia’s law from the beginning and am now being asked for advice on how to pass laws to support boys and men.
Quick take:
I am not a legislative expert and never tried to be one. You are not a legislative expert so don’t try to be one. Align with a successful politician or lobbyist who knows how to pass laws.
To do so, learn how to communicate about mens and boys issues in a way that changes hearts and minds.
Be helpful. Be of service. Ask others how you can be useful to their goals.
Consider not focusing on the law. It is hard to change laws. Laws don’t always affect change. It is easier to sway a person’s position, which does change the world.
My priors: For the past decade I’ve advocated for gender equality for separated families through my writing, books, media and speaking engagements. I’m often invited to testify at state hearings for equal parenting legislation — though I don’t believe those testimonies are as impactful as writing empathetically for women and mothers about why equal parenting serves them and their kids.
A few of the notes I’ve received over the years:
My role in the Virginia law: met Del. Josh Thomas (D), who would eventually sponsor the Virginia Boys and Mens Commission bill, through political volunteering. When he expressed interest in men’s issues, I shared my understanding of the potential for policy, introduced him to relevant leaders throughout the state and country, and explained what has and has not worked in recent years re: policy for men.
Success case studies: Mainstream uptake of Richard Reeves’s work including his book Of Boys and Men and subsequent $20 million grant from feminist Melinda Gates to create the American Institute for Boys and Men signals that the zeitgeist is ready to take seriously male issues.
On a state level, look to Washington state where my friend Blair Daily has for five years advocated for a boys and mens commission, while also producing heaps of quality content on the issue. Highly recommend you follow him and learn from his efforts:
Failure case studies: 50 years of mostly white, male, conservative and angry advocats refusing to work collaboratively or thoughtfully to pass similar laws at state or federal levels, including laws to make 50/50 parenting presumptions is the norm — and their ham-fisted efforts handed a louder microphone to the well-organized opponents.
The good news is that now six U.S. states in the past few years have passed laws creating rebuttable presumptions of equal parenting, including Mississippi last week.
But that is a tiny number considering that today I have good reason to believe the majority of young separated parents automatically share parenting equally, even assuming 50/50 presumptions is the law in their state, even when it is not.
Equal parenting advocates continue struggle to codify what is now a cultural norm and politically popular. It’s like being unable to pass seat belt laws when 90% of drivers use seat belts and believe in seat belts and say they would vote for a candidate who supports seat belt enforcement. The problem isn’t politicians or voters, the problem is the advocates.
My position: Who cares about seat belt laws when lives are saved? If we focus on changing culture — culture already barreling towards our shared goal — why dilute that momentum with sloppy policy efforts?
But, if your goal is to get credit for passing a law, you keep fighting for the law.
This is the sort of thing I talk about to Virginia delegates interested in gender equality policy.
Early last year Josh built a legislative coalition around the bill that included the House Speaker Don Scott and Lamont Bagby, chair of the state’s Democratic Party of and Legislative Black Caucus. When that coalition held its pre-session press conference in October to announce its commitment to boys and men in Virginia, the message was clear: Virginia cares about its men. It was like a dare to say otherwise. The bill passed with a bipartisan 91-6 vote and very little media.
Meanwhile, I founded Virginia Coalition for Boys and Men. This has been a great opportunity to build consensus with leaders throughout the state and country and highlight organizations and people who have long been advancing male interests — long before doing so was a sexy political play or commercial opportunity. In that capacity I testified at a couple committee hearings and kept interested subscribers up-to-date on Substack and social media.
Since the bill’s passing I’ve been invited to speak to groups in the United States, United Kingdom and Brazil to offer advice on how to pass legislation to support boys and men.
Decide for yourself whether I qualify as an expert on policy reform.
What I do hope to bring to the movement is my experience in effective communication on the importance of men and fathers in families — and the role they play in gender equality for all of us.
I also have a lot of insight into the role lawmaking efforts can help or hurt gender equality. Advocates in this space are obsessed with policy reform. Ask them for their foundational goal and their answer is: “Change the law.” You can change the law but fail to change programs or attitudes or lives as I explain in the videos below. Policy reform is not always the right goal.
My goal in advocating for equal parenting and is to make families better. My hypothesis is that when parenting time is equal in separated families those families and their communities are better — and the data is starting to support that.
But to get families to share parenting time equally you have to effectively speak and write on the issue — in a way that connects with skeptics’ human, complicated hearts and sensible yet conflicted minds. Your job is to call opponents to their higher, loving selves.
I unpacked these ideas and more in a December presentation at the International Conference on Shared Parenting in Lisbon, Portugal: “Is the 50/50 Movement Obsolete?” based on my post of the same title.
Also, the good folks at Equi-law UK invited me to share my experience and advice:
Finally, I am sharing this recording of a recent University of Virginia symposium hosted by my friend and colleague Brad Wilcox (and Virginia Boys and Men’s Coalition member). We have no choice but to look to the tenor that Richard Reeves has set for boys and men’s issues. The founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men and Of Boys and Men author deserves credit for bringing this longtime issue to the mainstream with his nonpartisan, fact-based and love-forward framing.
This is the messaging that has broken through to the mainstream and launched the movement blossoming throughout the country, including Virginia’s state house. Watch, learn, take notes and apply it to your advocacy:
Interested in talking, sharing more or otherwise connecting? Sign up here or at Virginia Coalition for Boys and Men or shoot me an email at emma@vaboysandmen.org!
